Max老师的博课正在播课

Hyphens are important!

2006-11-25T08:56:00.000+08:00

In my last post, I originally gave you the wrong address to my new blog.

Here is the correct address: maxiewawa.blog-city.com

As an ironic twist, the firewall blocking this site you are looking at has now been lifted and web surfers in China can view this blog once more.

Blogger Blocked!

2006-11-15T21:14:00.000+08:00

This is my old blog.

A lot of people in Shanghai can't read my blog at this address so I'm moving it. For the new improved site, head to maxiewawa.blog-city.com.

The Incan Empire

2006-11-12T09:39:00.000+08:00

In an adult class last Thursday, we learnt about the Incan Empire. The Incan empire existed for about 100 years from the mid-15th to mid-16th century.

We found out about some imaginative Incan punishments. People were executed by:

Beheading

Stoning

Being thrown off a cliff

Being thrown into a pit of wild animals

I asked students which they would prefer. Some said beheading, as it would be a quick and painless death. Other students said that they would not surrender.

Some said that they would prefer being thrown into a pit of wild animals, and thought that maybe they could kill those animals and escape.

Another student suggested that stoning might not be so bad: if one was skilled enough, one might catch rocks and throw them back at attackers.

Another student suggested that if you survived being thrown off a cliff, you would be less likely to be chased, because the person chasing you would also have to jump off the cliff.

Vehicles in Chinese

2006-11-07T17:48:00.000+08:00

A Chinese lesson! The words used are:

车(chē) = car
过马路 (guò mă lù) = cross the road
路 (lù) = road
南路（nán lù) = south road
自行车（zì xíng chē）= bike/bicycle
面包车（miàn bāo chē) = van
摩托车（mó tuō chē) = motorbike
公车 (gōng chē) = bus

An accident!

2006-11-02T11:11:00.000+08:00

I got out of the taxi at Lianxi Primary school yesterday, when I saw an accident.

Sorry, that's not true.

I didn't see the accident.

First, I saw a lot of people standing on the road. They were looking at something on the ground. When I saw so many people looking at something, I ran to see.

It was a man lying next to a motorbike. Near the motorbike was a van. Its windshield (the window at the front) was broken. The motorbike was broken too.

The man wasn't hurt. Not even a little bit. But he was lying on the ground.

He was talking to all the people. I think he was just lazy. Or maybe he felt shy because a crowd of people was looking at him.

I looked at the fourth floor of Lianxi Primary school, and I saw some of my students. Because they were so far away, they couldn't see very clearly.

I took some photos to show them. You can see the broken windshield and the lazy man.

Superstitions

2006-11-02T11:05:00.000+08:00

In grade 5, we read something about superstitions. There were 5 superstitions. One was true, the others were made up. We also made up some superstitions.
Can you guess which is true, and which ones are made up? Only one is true.

Don't walk under a ladder, or you will get bad luck.
Don't dance under a ladder, or a hammer will fall on your head.
Don't swim near a shark, or you will become a shark's friend.
Don't use a wig to clean your house, or you will lose all your hair.

I think number four is the best. Do you agree? (请留言）

Chinese Lesson

2006-10-28T18:30:00.000+08:00

Ok, another lesson for grade 1 level learners. But today we're learning Chinese.

If you're up to it, look at these photos. Every one of these people has something in common. They could all be described (in Chinese) as being pàng. I won't tell you what this word means, see if you can guess.

For those of us who are adventurous, we might try to form a sentence using this adjective.

Tā pàng le.

This sentence includes pàng, (pàng is the adjective), tā, which means 'he' or 'she', and the particle le, which makes it into the past tense. It is a quirk of Chinese that when saying someone is fat, you usually say something similar to 'he became fat' instead of 'he is fat'. You'll get used to it.

And for the even more adventurous:

他（她）胖了

The first character is for 'he', the second is for 'she'.

And if you haven't worked it out by now, the chinese word pàng means 'fat'.

Well duh.

Keeping a straight face

2006-10-25T17:53:00.000+08:00

There is some Chinese in this story. If you don't read Chinese, don't panic though, there isn't much. Just try and skip over it, what is being said should be clear enough. If you're not, click on the 'comments' button at the bottom of this post to get the translations.

I was walking out of Dong Chang rd station in Pudong when someone stopped me.

"你对英语有感兴趣吗？"

Inside World Plaza on Dong Chang rd, there are a number of English schools. They employ people to stand outside and try to sign up people on the street. No one had ever asked me before though.

I shook my head, but took his pamphlet anyway. I am interested in English; I'm just not interested in talking to strangers who stop me on the street about it. He kept following me.

"我们是。。。"

He was giving me his sales pitch. I wasn't really listening though.

"...免费..."

This got my attention. I was curious, and since it wasn't going to cost me anything, I realised I had nothing to lose.

"免费？" I asked.

He nodded. A mischevious thought came into my head.

"好的," I said.

He took me back into World Plaza and into one of the schools. I was greeted by a lady who asked me to fill in a form. I did the best I could filling in the Chinese (I couldn't read everything on the form) and spoke as little as I could (they might have picked up from my accent that I wasn't really Chinese).

I trying to write my address in Chinese characters, but gave up. I couldn't remember if I lived on '浙江' road or '折江' road. The characters look so similar... I decided to leave it blank.

Eventually I was led into a small room with three computers. It was explained to me that this would test my English level. If I was to sign up at this school, my result in this test would determine which class I would be put in. Level 1 was the lowest, and this school taught all the way up to level 20, a native level.

Keeping a straight face, I obediently sat through the test, clicking the answers I thought were correct. After about ten minutes of being left alone, I realised that this wasn't going to be as funny as I thought it was. I had pictured myself being put in a class of English learners, and suprising everyone with my command of English. I finished three of the five parts of the test, and left the room. I tried to creep out the door, but then I heard someone call out behind me.

"先生，您昨晚了吗？"

I just wanted to get out before I was found out! I mumbled,

"对... 我没时间作完..."

And with that I left. The last thing I heard from behind me was a surprised voice:

"哇，全对！考了20级！但他自己的地址也不会写！"

2006-10-23T10:32:00.000+08:00

A student at Chinesepod said that he didn't know what the Chinese word for refrigerator was. He asked if somebody could go around an apartment and say the words for some things inside. I helped him.

I know I made some mistakes. '伪造‘ 的 ‘伪 and 词典的 ‘词’ were wrong.

Scammers

2006-10-23T10:29:00.000+08:00

If a lao wai walks down Nanjing East Rd, he or she will usually be stopped by someone. There are many things the person will say.

"Do you want to have coffee?"

"We have an art gallery. Do you want to come and look?"

"Watch? Bags? Dvds?"

"I am wanting practice my English. We go be friends, have lunch. Ok, we go now."

Some other offers are a little more... risque...

I live very close to Nanjing East Rd, and go past every day. I am always disappointed to see people trying to stop lao wais and get their money.

It always depresses me that so many people are out there trying to scam other people.

I always find, though, if I wear my shorts, thongs (flip-flops) and a grubby T-shirt, no one seems to bother me... I wonder why...

Simultaneous translation

2006-10-18T10:36:00.000+08:00

	中级63 The Jealous Friend

	Visit ChinesePod.com

Wow, it's not as easy as I thought.

I tried to simultaneously translate something from chinesepod.com . One of the hosts speaks mostly in Chinese, and I tried to translate one of their lessons (the first button) into English (the movie below it). See how I went!

The cleverest son

2006-10-17T13:23:00.000+08:00

In grade 4 today, we learnt a story about an old man and three sons. The old man asks his sons to fill a room. But the sons can only use 1 coin to buy something.

In the story, the youngest son used a candle. He lit it, and the light filled the room. But grade 4 at Number Two Central Primary School in Pudong New Area of Shanghai （上海浦东新区二中心小学）had some different ideas:

Use fire. Light something and it will fill the room.
Use a seed. Plant it, and a tree will grow to fill the room.
Throw the house into a swimming pool. The water will fill the room.
Throw money into the room, and wait for many beggars to run inside.

In the story, the two other sons tried to fill the room with sand and straw. It didn't work. But the room is now filled with straw.

I asked grade 4 how they could clean the room with their hands tied behind their back. These were some of the best ideas:

Ask a horse to come and eat it.
Sell the house, wait for the new owner to clean it, then buy it back.
Open the window, and wait for a typhoon to come. It will blow away all the straw and sand.

Thank you to all readers. If you don't understand, please press 'comment' (留言）. There, you can read some Chinese. I'm sorry, 我的中文那么差。（其实我认为我的中文还行，但我想谦虚点）

He is...

2006-10-16T20:57:00.000+08:00

Here is an easy lesson. It is for grade 1. Look at the photo and say who it is. I have even written the answers for you!
Also, look at the pictures. They are so much neater. I hope you like them

His name is Superman.

1) His name is Ron. 2) His name is Harry. 3) Her name is Hermione.

His name is Conan.

Why is my blog so ugly?

2006-10-13T23:52:00.000+08:00

大家好！看得见吗？不知道为什么，很多国内朋友告诉我看不见我的博课。。。真失望哦！
今天的文章不关于教育。所以全英文。除了这个introduction。希望你们可以理解大部分。
其实这次的很难。。。真的是高级英语。课本根本没有这种语气。。。所以不会的话不要失望！要加油！
反正有什么问题的话，请问。我绝对会尽量帮助。开始吧！

I am very interested in this blogging thing. I've become unsatisfied with my own blog though: it's just so messy. A bit here, a bit there... some of it is meant for little kids, some for adults. A little English, a little Chinese, 有的时候我很糊涂 and I switch languages without even realising it. Maybe I should get some more consistency...

Here's some blogs of note that I've been impressed with:

www.sinosplice.com
John Pasden is a teacher at Chinesepod and writes at sinosplice. Pretty, huh? A lot easier to navigate than my fumbling page...

www.chinabloglist.org/
As the name suggests, a whole lot of blogs about China. Most blogs are not only a) better organised but b) prettier than mine. I guess I have to rely on my wits alone to attract readers...

I'm not going to change my ways now though, so I guess I'll just have to make another sudden right turn and continue on another tangent. Ready? Here we go!

I was walking down Nanjing East Road here in Shanghai on Thursday night, coming back from a class of riotous grade twos. The smell of smog was in the air, as it has been recently in Shanghai, and I was in a hurry to get back home.

I noticed a group gathering (how many stories of Chinese silliness start with that line) and as gawking is almost a national sport here, decided to join in.

A police cart had parked right in the middle of Nanjing Rd. These are like golf carts which patrol Nanjing Rd, an area where cars aren't permitted. A crowd had gathered around it and were curiously onlooking at a police officer, a dirty little boy and a man with a handbag. As usual, conversation switched between standard mandarin and Shanghainese, so I had trouble following. Needless to say, there was a lot of shouting and pointing, and discussions amongst spectators as to what had happened.

"Enough!" said the police officer in Shanghainese, raising her hands for silence (I assume that's what she said). "Let me see for myself! Drop your pants!"

Once again, I only assume that's what she said, as immediatly after saying it, the grubby little boy obediently turned around and dropped his pants just low enough to show the tip of his crack.

The crowd gasped.

"There's not a mark on him!" they said incredulously. "No, let me have a closer look" said another. One helpful elderly gentleman raised a salient point: "It is possible, though unlikely, to kick someone with just enough force that it hurts, but a bruise is not apparent until much later". He said it in Chinese though, so I'm just paraphrasing.

The poor little guy pulled up his pants, and was obviously shaken by the whole thing.

By now it was clear to me, as it might be to you what had happened. Someone had taken issue with something the boy was doing, and kicked him up the rear end. No one belived his story, so he had been instructed to show evidence of what happened by exposing his backside on perhaps the busiest road in Shanghai. He had further been embarassed by the fact that his buttocks didn't display any evidence at all of the alleged kicking. Not a scratch.

The police officer had also noticed the boy's discomfort, and realised that a swift kick might not leave a mark so easily, and tried to have a quiet word with the boy to get his side of the story. This was impossible though, given the 20 or so onlookers who had gathered. She took him under her arm and tried to lead him away, to a private place where she could talk to him quietly. But this was also impossible.

She led him away, and most of the crowd just followed. The man with the handbag followed (I assume it was him that done the kicking) and some other hangers on came too. Eventually the police officer and boy sped up, trying to get out of earshot of everyone else but they just followed. So there they were, half running, half walking down Nanjing Rd, with a handful of people following them at a safe distance. The rest of the crowd thought better of chasing after an officer of the law when she obviously didn't want them to, and remained in the middle of the street, standing around awkwardly. I was one of these people.

Part of me wanted to see how the story ended. But something happens when a foreigner stands still for more than thirty seconds on Nanjing East Rd... I'm sure many of my readers can already guess what happens next...

I feel a tug on my sleeve.

"Hello sir, where you from?"

I turn around. Two grubby girls with too much makeup and big smiles. Maybe not 'ladies of the night' but definitely not just looking to say hello. I just give them my stock answer ("Uranus") and clear off.

Turn Off Your Phone!

2006-10-13T10:27:00.000+08:00

When you go to university, please turn off your handphone. If you don't, maybe this will happen!
I think it's funny that his voice doesn't sound angry. He smashes the phone but his voice doesn't change.

Can you see me?

2006-10-12T10:14:00.000+08:00

Recently, my blog has had problems. If you can't see it sometimes, I'm sorry! I don't know why it's like this. If it happens too often, I think I will move it to another address.
Thanks for your understanding!
最近，我的博课出了问题。登不上的话，很抱歉！不知道为什么。这个问题经常发现的话，可能会搬网址。
谢谢配合！

Chinese is dead easy part 1

2006-10-05T18:23:00.000+08:00

It's not that I don't enjoy teaching hordes of screaming kids, I'd just like to branch out into another language. With a week off work, commemorating the founding of the People's Republic of China, I've started writing some lesson plans, with a view to teaching absolute beginners how to speak Chinese.

Let's Begin If You Think You're Up To It.

Part 1 Tones

Chinese is actually quite easy to speak. The complexity of the Chinese writing system is balanced by the simplicity of its speaking system. But the hardest part of speaking Chinese is the four tones.

Each separate syllable can be pronounced four ways. Essentially it can be 'sung' in a different way. Sing something the wrong way and you can make the meaning completely different. 'Mother' can become 'horse', 'scold' or 'hemp'*. For people who haven't learnt a tonal language before, or who are tone deaf, Chinese can be difficult. But it need not be so.

The four Chinese tones occur in English, but we just don't realise. By the end of this lesson you'll understand how the tones work.

Have a looky look:

First Tone (flat tone)
The first tone is just a single unwavering note. It sounds like the noise you make when you're trying to work something out.

1)Customer: Excuse me, how much is this?
Shop assistant: Ah... just let me check that for you sir.

or

2) Teacher: What's five to the power of three?
Student: Um...

In both cases, the second speaker's response is very likely to be something close to the First Tone.

In the Pin-Yin writing system (the romanised version of Chinese characters) if a syllable is to be pronounced using the First Tone, it is written with a horizontal line over the vowel sound. So if you saw:

gōng sī (office)
shū (book)
shū bāo (school bag; literally 'book bag')
tā (he/she/him/her)
shuō (say)

you would 'sing' each syllable in the first tone.

Second Tone (Rising Tone)

What do you say when you can't hear what someone has said?
(Huh?)
What I am trying to find out is, what do you say when someone says something and you don't hear? (What?)
Whatever your response, you will probably make a sound similar to the Second/Rising tone.
Try these:

dú (to read)
qián (money/in front)
tíng (stop)
laí (come)
shén me** (what)

And if you're ready to mix it up:

míng tiān (tomorrow)
qián bāo (wallet/purse; literally 'money bag')

Third tone (falling/rising tone)

Perhaps the most difficult to master, as it involves two separate vocal movements (falling and then rising again). A syllable said in the third tone sometimes involves a level of vocal gymnastics. Also, native speakers often blur the third tone when speaking conversationally, depending on the tone that comes after it.

English speakers are often heard to make a sound similar to the third tone when they give expressions of suprise. In both examples, the line 'WHAT' will most likely be spoken with a third tone.

Boss: You're doing great, Johnson, but we're going to have to let you go.
Johnson: WHAT?

Father: You're not my real son.
Son: WHAT?

The third tone is also used in Chinese as an expression of surprise. Try to read:

hă (Chinese expression of incredulity)
wŏ (I, me)
nĭ (you)
hǎo (good)

And mixing up again:

hén hǎo (very good)
méi yǒu (to not have)
zuǒ zhuǎn (turn left)
lăo shī (teacher)

As mentioned before, the third tone is the hardest of all four. It changes according to which tone comes immediately after it. Don't be confused if sometimes something involving the third tone doesn't sound like you think it would.

Fourth tone (falling tone)

This is used in almost every sentence in English. When foreign teachers loudly read out simple stories, the last word in every sentence includes the fourth tone. If you read this paragraph out loud, you will probably use at least three fourth tones.

It is the sentence ending tone, the 'oh, I get it' tone. Perhaps this makes it a bit clearer:

Person A: I have been looking for my glasses everywhere. I've looked in my room, the kitchen, the bathroom and haven't been able to find them.
Person B: They are on your head.
Person A: Oh. There they are!

'Oh' will probably be spoken in the fourth/falling tone.

Chances are that if a fourth tone is on the end of a sentence, you will naturally pronounce it correctly. Try these out for size:

yào (want)
qù (to go)
lù (road)
kàn (watch/look at/see)
duì (correct)

And, if you think you're ready:

yòu zhuăn (turn right)
kàn hăo (look carefully; literally 'look well')
dé zhōu lù, shàng nán lù (The address of the ESL office)

*mā = mother, má = hemp, mă = horse, mà = to scold, to tell (someone) off
** When a syllable has no tone markings, it is neutral, and not 'sung'.

A short story. All the vocabulary needed has been over before, but here's a recap:

Kàn (look/see/watch) lăo shī (teacher) méi yǒu (to not have)
wŏ (I/me) shū (book) shū bāo (schoolbag)
tā (he/she/him/her) dú (read)

Jack
Jack is fiddling with a pencil case in the back row. He tries his best, but Foreign Teacher™ classes test the limits of his first grade mind. Next to him, Jenny is sitting straight, listening carefully. Foreign Teacher™ decides to try out his Chinese to get Jack's attention.
"Kàn wŏ!"
Jenny, confused, gives Foreign Teacher™ a hurt look. She thinks she has done something wrong. Foreign Teacher™ can't remember anyone's name, so he just points at students.
"Wŏ?" she asks, pointing at herself. Foreign Teacher™ shakes his head.
"tā! tā!" says Foreign Teacher™, pointing to Jack. Jenny gets it finally.
"Kàn lăo shī!" she says, poking Jack. He looks up.
Foreign Teacher™ gives Jack his best menacing look. The kid never listens, never writes down anything, and never remembers his book. "shū? méi yǒu?" he asks, rummaging around the mess on Jack's desk. Jenny, always eager to squeal on Jack, pipes up.
"shū bāo! shū bāo!"
Jack fishes a dirty book out of his bag, he opens it.
"dú!" commands the teacher.

Dialogue (The same thing but without the English)

Teacher: Kàn wŏ!
Jenny: (confused, pointing to herself) Wŏ?
Teacher: tā! tā! Kàn lăo shī! shū? méi yǒu shū?
Jenny: shū bāo! shū bāo!
Teacher: dú!

What do you think? I wrote it for people who can't speak ANY Chinese. And it's designed to be used in conjunction with someone actually teaching, sitting next to the student, helping out.

Incidentally, if you're in Shanghai and you want someone to teach you, give me a msg...

有错误吗？留言！

Corporal 罗's last journey

2006-10-05T09:24:00.000+08:00

情爱的学生们请注意：
记不记得我上个星期告诉你们我那个故事？关于我的爷爷死了？这就是那个故事。

It must have been about five years ago. My grandfather on my mother's side, my last grandparent, was getting very sick. Finally, as it became clear that granddad wasn't going to recover, mum booked a ticket for Taipei (台北). The earliest flight wasn't until two days later, and granddad died before mum arrived. I told her I would go with her.

At the airport, Dad gave me some advice:

"They have some strange customs in China, son, so try not to act surprised. You know, sometimes they keep the corpse in the house, so various family and community members can pay their last repects."

My jaw dropped.

"Just so you know."

Throughout the whole flight I couldn't stop thinking about it.

After we finally arrived, my aunt picked us up. When I say 'aunt' I mean my mother's number three brother's wife. By 'number three' I mean the third oldest. I made the mistake of calling her '阿姨' (ayi) and she went bright red. I had used the wrong title when addressing someone in my family.

In Chinese society, this topic (addressing family members) gets very complicated very quickly.

When I was a child, I was always told to address mum's friends, relatives, basically anyone older than me and female as 'ayi'. Its rough translation into English is 'auntie' except that you call everyone by it, until you are married. Even now, living alone in a foreign country, I am expected to call older women 'ayi'. Even my cleaner, who I employ, I call 'ayi'.

I, in my ignorance of Chinese culture, had called my mother's brother's wife my 'auntie'. After she gaved an embarassed look, my mum told me I should call her '三舅妈‘ or 'number three maternal uncle's wife'. Weird... one of the only women I would call 'auntie'in our culture is the one woman I don't. I didn't really get my head around it at the time, I was so tired.

Instead of a warm bed, we were taken out to dinner. The whole family, maybe 20 of us, went to a small restauraunt around the corner from granddad's house, and had what I think was traditional Taiwanese food.I didn't eat much, I was quite hungry but nothing looked very appetising. I just wanted to get into bed. I had had a long flight, and I just wanted to go to sleep.

After a long meal, we all wandered back to granddad's former residence. Panic suddenly hit me.

I wasn't prepared for the sight of the body of someone I knew and loved, but if I had to face it, I would.

It wasn't so bad after all... We arrived at his house, and sat down for tea (I just lay back as best I could on a hard wooden chair and dozed off). I was suddenly woken to 'go say hello to grandpa' (in a panic I wondered if he was in the house after all) and led, half asleep to a small table covered in a red tablecloth. I was handed some incense and had to bow three times. I didn't actually have to 'say hello' to grandpa after all. A thought suddenly entered my mind though, and I lifted up the tablecloth and looked under the table. I was relieved to see that granddad's body wasn't there. Phew.

After what seemed like an eternity trying to sleep in my wooden chair, everyone finished their tea and mum and I went back to her oldest brother's house to spend the night. His family own and run a hairdressers, and they live upstairs. I was shown my room and it was a little disappointing to say the least. Instead of a bed, I had a massage table. I began to protest to my mum, but then I noticed that I wasn't going to be alone in my room. There was a hairdressing employee who would be sleeping on the ground. I was getting the better end of that deal: the only thing separating him from the hard tile floor was a thin mattress, I at least had a table to lie down on.

I didn't sleep well. In the middle of the night, the electricity stopped so we had no air-con. It was the middle of summer, and the heat was terrible. My 'roommate' got up off his 'bed' in the middle of the night and just stood there. I lay there sweating, wondering if the refrigerators in the funeral home were still working...

The next day, mum woke me up to say that we were leaving. Not to say 'hurry up, get dressed, and lets go', but 'the car's downstairs, let's leave Maxie'. I threw on my clothes and jumped in the car.

When we arrived at the funeral hut, we were all given our costumes. We were all dressed in hessian bags, and had different headwear. The women had white hoods, made out of the same material as surgical scrubs, and the men had tall cooks' hats. We looked and felt very strange, standing in the heat in our silly clothes, sweating.

First we had to find granddad. We were led away from the funeral hut to the mortuary where he was wheeled out on a table. There mum, her siblings and my cousin and I had to bow again, and a son had to sign something identifying him. Then we left while he was dressed.

After a short wait, he was wheeled into the funeral hut, and lifted into the coffin, at the center of the room. Then everyone congregated in the front.

Three buddhist nuns assembled in front of us, each carrying a musical instrument. The family members stood motionless, with sticks of incense clasped in two hands, hands in front of foreheads. The nuns started singing, and periodically one would clink her maracas, one would ring her bell, and the last would toot on her flute, all in unison. Then the 30 or so family members would all bow in unison.

It went on for a long time. A stick of incense was lit at the beginning of this part, and it continued until that stick of incense burnt down completely. By now I was tired hungry, and very sweaty. But it wasn't over.

Finally, the ceremony ended. The lid was put on the coffin, and we were off to the cemetary. I wasn't sure who was going to lift granddad onto the hearse, but four grubby men appeared to help.

They looked like they had just been pulled off a building site for being too dirty, too fat and for smoking too many cigarettes. And building sites will usually take anyone with four limbs. They were dressed in grubby tracksuits, and must have been smoking the whole time I saw them. They had worked up a sweat sitting in the sun waiting for the ceremony to finish, and were starting to smell.

Anyway, they got granddad into his ride. It was a brightly coloured van, with seats on the tray where people could sit. There was no way to keep the coffin from sliding around, so various family members had to sit down with their feet on it, holding it in place. As the vehicled turned, stopped and started, the people in the back had to brace the coffin from sliding around, getting damaged, or falling off altogether. Throughout the day, everyone kept yelling encouragement to granddad, apologising for delays, and explaining what was happening next. ("Ok, now granddad, we're off to the cemetery, but these nice men are going to lift you into the van first... sorry but there is nothing to tie you down with, so young Hiro is going to put his feet here and hold you in place... we're coming to a right turn, so get ready boys, brace the left...")

After a long winding drive, we arrived at the cemetery. It was in a very picturesque spot, on the side of a steep mountain. Taiwan's landscape is very jagged, the cemetery was located either side of a steep valley. We had to take a long winding road to get to a small landing where everyone could get out of their respective vehicles. The four men lifted granddad out of the van, and put him on the ground.

Somebody thrust a big bouquet of flowers at me, so I followed my uncle, who was at the head of the procession, down the steep hill. I had to grab a hold of my oversized cook's hat so that it wouldn't come off in the wind. The four sweaty men had picked up granddad and were behind us. Behind them were the rest of the family.

So there we were, a somber procession. My uncle, with granddad's photo first, me second, granddad himself next, being gently lowered down the steep hill on the shoulders of four dirty workers, and the rest of his descendants behind him.

It was quite a long procession, so at first I couldn't hear what was being shouted behind me. Finally, I turned around.

"Do you know where you're going?"

My uncle, in front of me, answered.

"I was following you!"

Another voice:

"You're at the front, how on earth could you be following us?"

A lot more fast Chinese. I couldn't catch it all.

What transpired was that we had all set off on the wrong road. Granddad was to be buried next to grandma. The family had visited her grave many times before, but had always parked at the bottom and come up the steep hill, which was much faster. This couldn't be done with a coffin though, as it would have involved too much heavy lifting, so the procession parked at the top of what they thought was the same hill, but which turned out wasn't the same at all. Everyone assumed that everyone else knew where they were going, so we had come to the wrong place.

By the time we worked out how we had got lost, though, 10 minutes had passed and everyone had got tired. My cook's hat gave me some protection, but I was hot, sweaty, tired and hungry.

The 'pallbearers' were pretty fed up too, so they took granddad off their shoulders and put him on some level ground. One guy sat on it, produced a pack of cigarettes and started puffing. He mumbled to himself that he had a shovel in his truck, and he and his mates could dig a coffin sized hole right here, no problem, and it would take only half an hour or so.

Eventually I heard a shout from one of my younger cousins. "Found it! Found it!" We looked towards her voice but couldn't see her. "There she is!" said someone. We were way off. We couldn't carry grandad from our current position to his destination. It was too far. The only thing to do was to get him back into the truck and drive there. But this involved getting the coffin back up the slope. This wouldn't be easy. Four sweaty guys wouldn't be enough.

Five minutes later we were heaving granddad back up the slope. It was so steep that the two men carrying the 'head' of the coffin had to bend down and pull up. The coffin was only up to their knees, while the people pushing at the other end had to bear all the weight, pushing with their hands above their heads. A little difficult to picture I know. Suffice to say, I was at the back, pushing hard, tired, hungry and sweaty.

I could smell the sweaty guys too. At least I hoped it was the sweaty guys. All I know is that it was very hot, and granddad had been delayed in getting into the ground. I hoped it wasn't him I could smell.

Finally we got him back onto the truck. Everyone kept apologising to him ("...There's been a small delay grandpa, but we'll be there soon, don't worry about it...") and assuring him that everything was under control. We decided that the only reliable way to get grandpa to his destination was to go the route that the family always took when going to grandma's grave. He was going to be buried right next to her so it would be the same. We would definitely get there, but it would involve carrying the coffin up the hill.

20 minutes later, we were again pushing a large heavy box up a very steep hill. By now I had discarded my cooks' hat, which in retrospect wasn't a good idea. I was really frying now.

It took twice as long to get grandpa up this hill as it took to return to the van earlier. But we finally got there. According to custom, the family had to turn their back while he was lowered into the grave and the hole was filled.

Some more bowing. While I was on the bench, waiting for my turn, I almost fell asleep. I undid my hessian bag, (my traditional costume), and my shirt. The ceremony eventually finished, and everyone solemnly filed down the hill. Again, according to tradition, when we turned our back on the grave we couldn't look back over our shoulders. We were to go straight to the cars.

I heard from behind me a shout "where's my wallet! I think it fell out when I was bowing! It's at the grave!"

This was made all the worse since the party who had lost their wallet couldn't turn around and get it. He/she started frantically feeling behind him for it. Someone else called "don't worry, I've got it, I'll give it to you at the car. Just don't turn around!"

Eventually we arrived at the car and I climbed in. I fell soundly asleep.

2006-10-01T16:47:00.000+08:00

The first movie is very old. The short man is Bud Abbott, and the man beside him is Lou Costello. They are a very famous comedy duo from America.

This is their most famous dialogue. It's called "Who's on first?" ('First' is first base, a position on a baseball team'). If you don't understand it, I'll write the first part:

Costello: 'Who' is on first, 'What' is on second, 'I Dont Know' is on third...

And it continues from there.

I also found a more recent Chinese version. I don't understand all of it but it's also very funny!

抓骗子！

2006-09-26T20:18:00.000+08:00

如果你认为有人在骗你的话，你怎么搞清他们是真的还是假的？比如，有人说他自己是盲人，你怎么判断他们是真的还是假的？我问了莲溪小学五（2）班的学生。
pretend to be blind （盲人）

I would put some money on the ground. If they pick it up, they are not blind. （我把一百块放在地上。如果他捡起来的话就说明他不是盲人。

I would put a box on the ground. If they really are blind, they will fall over it. If they don't, they aren't blind.

我把一个盒子放在地上，如果他摔跤了，就说明是真的盲人，如果没有，那就代表他不盲。

pretend to have a broken leg. （跛脚)

I would take him to the hospital. If they really had a broken leg, the doctor would tell me. If not, they would run away. (我会带他去医院，如果是真的跛，医生会告诉我，如果是假的，他就会逃走啦。）

I would put them in front of a racecar. If they really had a broken leg, I would pull them away. If not, they would run away. （把他放在一辆赛车前，如果是真的跛脚，我会把他拉开，如果是假的，他自己就会逃了。）

pretend to be mute （哑巴）

I would ask them a question. If they answer, they aren't really mute.
（我会问他些问题，如果他回答了就不是真的哑巴。）

I would tell them a joke. If he laughs, he isn't a mute.
（我会说个笑话给他听，如果他笑了，他就不是哑巴。）

Muslim People

2006-09-26T20:04:00.000+08:00

Muslim (Islam的形容词）people sometimes wear unique clothes.
Women cover their faces sometimes. Sometimes they use a shawl, like the woman in the third photo, but sometimes they cover their whole body, like in the first photo.
Men sometimes wear special hats. The money in the last photo is from Indonesia. Sometimes you can see men wearing these hats making noodles in small restauraunts in Shanghai. Indonesia has the more Muslim people than any other country.
The sign is in Indonesian. If you can't understand the words, maybe you can understand its meaning from the pictures.

加油！加油！

2006-09-25T18:40:00.000+08:00

If you don't understand Chinese, you won't think it's funny.
Sorry it's sideways.

Muslim Flags

2006-09-24T17:54:00.000+08:00

There are more Muslim (清真）flags than British or Communist flags. Here are some.
What is the same in all of these flags?
What other Muslim flags with this picture can you find? (Maybe you can go to www.flags.net and find some).
Green & white = Pakistan. Green red & white = Algeria. Blue, green, red & white = Azerbaijan
Red & white (1 star) = Turkey
Red & white (5 stars) = Malaysia

Flags with meanings

2006-09-24T17:30:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow I will teach my grade students something about flags. I want to show them the flags on the computer.
Many flags have meanings. Communist flags usually have a star on them. Countries or places that were part of Britain sometimes have British flags.
Above this are some flags of Communist countries. Most have a star on them. They are: Laos (with the white circle), Cuba (blue and white stripes, a red triangle with a white star), Vietnam (red with a yellow star), North Korea (in the middle is a white circle with a red star) and the USSR. There is one very important Communist country that I haven't got here. I wonder if my Chinese students will know which one...
Also, below are some countries with the British flag. I like the one with white stars the most. Do you know why?

Stay Away

2006-09-21T18:04:00.000+08:00

这个星期的四年级故事之中，有一个工人. 他做的水泥被踩破了。他有什么办法解决这个问题？
In this week's grade four story, there is a worker. Someone steps in his concrete and ruins it. What is the solution to this problem?

１）Put glue around the wet cement．If someone comes near the cement, he or she won't be able to move. (放胶水在旁边。）

2) Put a TV near it, so that anyone who steps in the cement stops and watches it. Then, they will stay until the concrete is dry. Then they won't be able to run away.把电视放在旁边。谁踩了水泥会一直看电视，不离开那里。之后，水泥会干，坏人会被捉住。

3) Make a sign.（标记)

4) Make a bridge.(桥）

5）Ask a policeman to help. （请警察）

6) Make a robot policeman to help. （做个机器人的警察）

7) Put some bombs around the cement. （水泥旁边放几个炸弹）

2006-09-16T17:50:00.000+08:00

星期五，我请了四年级写几个句子。需要包括几个'ow'的声音。Oven周写了这个：

Now, a coward is shouting "help!", because he saw a thousand owls, brown cows and horses meowing.

（现在，一个coward在喊叫"救命“因为他看见了一千猫头鹰，褐色牛，和马像一只猫叫得一样声音。）

其实，我认为我翻译不太好。"Coward" 中文怎么说？很容易被吓。

请各位帮助！按'comment'!

On Friday I asked grade 4 to write some sentences. They needed to include the 'ow' sound. A boy named Oven Week wrote:

Now, a coward is shouting "help!", because he saw a thousand owls, brown cows and horses meowing.

Actually, I don't think I translated it very well. What is 'coward' in Chinese? A coward is a person who is scared easily.

Plase help! Leave a comment!

Knocked Out

2006-09-15T20:22:00.000+08:00

昨晚，我在路上看到很多人，看着一个老女人。他在大声喊，但我看不清为什么。后来我发现了在马路上一个穷人好像在睡觉。。。好像摔跤的。
反正我也虽然不太清是为什么，但是觉得是个挺有意思的故事。

I was checking my email when I just happened to look out the window. I see across the street from me, a huge crowd of people, looking at something. A police car is parked nearby. I'm not sure what this means, but I'm going to have a looky-look. I grab my trusty Casio digital camera, slip on my thongs and scuttle outside.
It takes me only about 30 seconds to join the crowd, but already it has grown. I can't get more than 2 meters away from a woman at the center, around which everyone has gathered. She is jabbering away at the crowd, explaining something all who have gathered. I can't understand much of what she says, as she is speaking in the local dialect.
She seems to be explaining what happened. She's yelling out and gesturing, and pointing to the ground. I crane my neck. I see a lot of full plastic bottles strewn on the ground. She's pointing to them, gesturing and yelling.
Ah... I see. She runs a little stall, selling drinks to thirsty passers-by. Someone has knocked them over and she's taken offence. They've argued back and it has become so heated that people have started to watch, and the police have shown up to arbitrate.
I elbow my way a bit closer. The woman has calmed down, and is shouting into a phone. Everyone is discussing amongst each other what they think.
"...she pushed him, so she's in the wrong..."
"...you can't do that, it's against the law..."
"...so can you explain to me what happened..."
From my nearer vantage point, I notice that not only are there full plastic bottles of soft drink etc, but empty crushed bottles. Stranger and stranger. Already I have elbowed my way into the fifth row of the audience: I can't push closer to the action, so I make my way to the back.
There is a kind of a fence where I can get a better look. I climb to the top rung and look back at the woman, who has resumed stating her case to the crowd who has gathered.
It's then that I notice a scruffy man sprawled on the floor. He has a full beard, and dirty clothes. There is a large hessian bag next to him. This is where the empty bottles have come from. The man is unconscious, his head on the pavement. His eyelids are moving, but other than that he is motionless.
A sigh of "holy crap!" escapes my lips. No one notices. Of the sizeable crowd, it seems that I am the only one who hadn't already noticed that knocked out homeless man lying at the foot of the woman.
Everyone calmly stares. I wonder if anyone is going to help the poor guy on the ground. A policeman eventually arrives, and I deflate, expecting that the weirdness has come to an end, but he has just come to go over the woman's story again. If he has noticed the bloke on the ground he isn't letting on.
Is it just me, or is it strange to see an unconscious person on the ground in a public place strange? Sometimes I wonder if I've been here too long, that I'm not sure when I'm 'through the looking glass' or not.
Anyway, an ambulance comes, and someone gives a sigh of relief. Shouts of 'make way, make way' come up through the crowd. A paramedic rushes through with a stretcher, takes one look at the scruffy bloke (who still hasn't moved) and takes his blood pressure. This strikes me as strange. I would have thought that the force of hitting his head on the pavement would have been a more obvious cause of total lack of body movement, and that he would check him for head injuries, but I guess I'm not a paramedic.
After the man finishes checking his blood pressure, he and his partner hoist the homeless man into a stretcher. They haul him off and the crowd disperses very quickly.
The end.

Difficult!

2006-09-12T16:18:00.000+08:00

有几个学生告诉我他们不理解这个blog到底是什么。那么max老师说明一下吧。

第一个照片看到了吗？一个老爷爷，一个比较年轻的男人。
你可能在想，‘他们在干什么呀’。
我也对我的学生问这个问题。他们自己猜那两个在干什么，说什么，然后编了几个故事。
第二照片是三个男子汉，Robin, Adam 和 Max. （<---我）奇怪照片哦！
我的学生们猜了我们三个在说什么。

第二，这个blog可以留言。
1）请按红色的'comments' 按钮。
2）随便你写。但是必要用英语。
3）按'other' (‘其他’的意思）然后写名字。
4）按‘publish your comment'
5) 完毕。
6）没有第六步。
7）你还读这个干什么。

And for all you mono-literate people, here comes the translation:
(为了笨笨的不会读中文的人，我翻译一下吧。咱们笑一笑，中文那么容易，他们也不会！）

Some of my students really don't understand what this blog is. Well, let Max Teacher explain it to you.
Can you see the first photo? And old man and a younger man.
You're probably thinking "what are they doing?"
I also asked my students this question.
They guessed themselves what the two are doing, saying, and made some stories.
The second photo is of three men, Robin, Adam and Max. <---- me What a strange photo!
My students guessed what they are saying.

Secondly, in this blog you can leave a message.

1) Press the red 'comments' button.
2) Write whatever you want. But please use English.
3) Press 'other' then write your name.
4) Press 'publish your comment'
5) You are finished.
6) There is no step six, why are you reading this?
7) Why are you reading this?

各位读者谢谢！再给大家分享一个故事。很恐怖的，一直杀人的。根据第二张照片。
(Thank you to all readers! I have one more story to share with you. It's terrifying, with lots of killing. It's to do with the second photo.)

Max: I want to kill you!
Robin: I want to kill you all!

感谢上海浦东新区二中心小学的Michael罗。恐怖哦！真得很可怕。同意？不同意？留言！
Thank you to Michael Luo from Shanghai's Pudong New Area Number Two Central Primary School. Really scary, wasn't it. Do you agree? Disagree? Leave a message!
我建议(I suggest)：
I like the story about killing because ________.
I don't like the story about killing because ________.

如果你读这个发现任何错误，请原谅我。但是是不可能的。I am very clever!
If there are any mistakes, please forgive me. But that is unlikely. I am very clever.

2006-09-10T13:01:00.001+08:00

From left to right: Robin, Adam and Max. Grades four and five again. This time they are writing dialogue for the three of us.

Max: Close your mouth or I will use my finger and close it for you.
Adam: You are very bad. You are dirty. You didn't wash your face. Here, I will give you Robin's face.
Robin: You can't give him my face.

Robin: This feels nice. Thank you for holding my head. It's so heavy.
Adam: I'm not holding it. I'm going to throw it in the HuangPu River.
Max: Bring me too. I'm so dirty, and I will have a bath.

Adam: Thank you! Delicious!
Max: Yes! You can eat Robin's head. He is more delicious than me.
Robin: Eat your own head.

Just for the record, this photo was taken on Adam Nuhui's last night in Shanghai. He has returned to Australia, and is now learning how to be a pilot.

My students: if you want to want to write something about these stories, you can press the 'comments' button. Then you can write something. 如果要留言的话，请按'comments'.

Please write "I like story number 1/2/3, because _____"

Testing Testing 1, 2, 3

2006-09-07T14:00:00.000+08:00

Wow! That was quick. Three windows and I have a new blog.

In class today, my grade 4s and 5s came up with some captions to the following picture. Here are some of the best:

The old man is looking at the young man's head because there is a fly on it. He picks up the drill and tries to kill the fly, but the drill goes through the man's head. He dies.

Old Man: What are you doing?
Young Man: I'm sharpening a knife, so I can kill you with it.
Old Man: Oh no! That's terrible!

The old man is the young man's father. The young man is fixing a drill, but cuts off his fingers. After the photo was taken, the father is afraid and takes him to hospital.

Old Man: What are you doing?
Young Man: I'm tearing up a 100RMB note.
Old Man: Oh no! That's terrible!

Only now do I realise that almost everything my students wrote, almost without exception, involves the younger man getting killed, mutilated or dismembered...